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23 December 2009 @ 04:56 am
Title: Cigarettes
Fandom: Jrock, Hyde
Pairing: Hyde/Sakura
Rating: R/NC-17
Disclaimer: I own neither of these guys, thank you very much.
Summary: Hyde knows the truth; it's what keeps him thinking.
Author's Notes: Short, but enjoy.

The thought doesn't come until after the drinks and smoke and hushed moans in the dark. It's always in the dark. He realizes this and laughs, and it's ironic because it's black. He brings his cigarette to his lips, breathing because he needs to, and letting out because it's all he's ever been able to do. He remembers the feeling of hands on his hips, thrusting him into their dingy hotel room before flinging him onto the ground like a prey. Yes, he's always been the prey, the submissive one in the relationship, and he doesn't think it would go any other way. To unleash his real desires would be like unleashing the beast, and he doesn't think he would be able to go back.

But it's only his life he's dealing with after all. Smile, nod, blush, sing, rinse, shower, fucking repeat. He's not going to cry, he doesn't have the energy or depression. He's not even sad that the man who fucked him lifeless a few minutes before is gone and probably won't come back for the rest of the night. His long hair is getting in his face, and it's annoying as hell and he thinks he'll cut it. Soon, and it'll surprise the hell out of everyone.

The room is dark, it hovers above and encloses him, offering a vague sense of comfort. But he can still make out the mess of rumpled sheets and upturned bottles of lotion on the dresser. He's never been a very tidy boy, and while he stares at the filthy sheets he thinks of his mom cleaning his room when he was young. He thinks he's still young and needs to grow up. That quick fucks with band mates and friends lead to nothing in the end but regret. If his mom was here, she could pick up the mess to the room, but not his pieces.

Angry now, he throws the stub of his cigarette into carpet that looks so worn and cheap that it might have done it good to change the color. He's not even thinking, and he takes out a few more cigarettes to keep it that way. Nothing is helping though. It's not until the smoke is in his mouth and traveling down his throat does everything fade into a dim, almost transparent light.

He thinks Sakura is lucky, and once again he can't help but laugh so hard that his mouth goes dry and itchy, putting his smoking to a temporary halt as he takes a moment to cough up nothing. He can still see the drummer's tall, lanky form descending from the room; it should be a crime, but it's not. Maybe he's gone to shoot up again, but to hell if he cares because if it wasn't that it would have been something else, it always is.

His face is wet, but he's not crying. He's not living either, just breathing in and out like a shell. There's smoke in his lungs but even that won't bring him back now, nor the memory of his mom smiling and changing his bedroom sheets. As he lifts this thin arm up to the ceiling, he watches the weak shadow of the moment dance on the walls, the only light coming from a plain lamp in the corner. He thinks life would be easier without sex, without the broken fragments and questions to deal with in the end. Or maybe he's just too weak; after all, the drummer walked out just fine, why couldn't he?

But he's not interested in the answer as much as he is the next cigarette.
Current Mood: tiredtired
demon_rayslovelydagger23 on December 23rd, 2009 02:46 pm (UTC)
That was good...poor Hyde. *Hugs him and snatches his cigarette away*
dreams_studiodreams_studio on December 23rd, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
Yep, it's pretty much shameless angst for Hyde. -pats on back-
明季子 思愛流: hyde shallow sleepa_deux_vitesses on December 24th, 2009 01:03 am (UTC)
Aw, poor Hyde... But I loved the way you wrote this~
dreams_studiodreams_studio on December 24th, 2009 02:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you, that means a lot me. :]
ni hao, bitcheskillingsound on December 24th, 2009 05:11 am (UTC)
Mmmh, I love a good angsty Sakuhai. This totally hit the spot for me. :)
dreams_studiodreams_studio on December 24th, 2009 02:23 pm (UTC)
Omg, coming from you that's the greatest thing in the world. Thank you!
Iriacafaded_poetry on March 28th, 2010 02:49 pm (UTC)
This is gorgeous, the imagery is very strong. Why haven't I read this before?

dreams_studio: Hydedreams_studio on April 20th, 2010 12:19 am (UTC)
Ooh, thank you so much! Sorry it has taken me an eternity to reply. In all honesty, I feel like the dabble was a bit rushed, but I'm glad you found something in it that you liked. Thank you so, so much for commenting. ^^